Who am I? Who do I want to be? For what will I be known or remembered? These are the questions of life and as I come upon my one year anniversary of leaving a career I loved to stay home with my children, I find myself wrestling with them yet again. My own little mid-30s existential crisis is taking place. I look at who I think I am and how I would describe myself and realize that most people would not see that person if they looked at me right now. If you read my blog today, do you know what I’m about? I don’t know. I want to change that. I want to be the person I want to be RIGHT NOW. Not in ten years. Not next week. Now.
I want to live intentionally and work towards being the person I’ve always longed to be. First I have to figure out who she is. I have to define myself. Not who I used to be, but myself right now. Motherhood is wonderful. It is all I had hoped for and so much more, but it has a dangerous way of eclipsing all that a woman was before and causing that to disappear in a wave of spit up and dirty diapers. I am a mother, yes. What what else? Who else? Right now my wee ones are dependent on me for everything and so that role can easily swallow up all my others. Soon they will be independent creatures and I will be left not knowing what to do, who to be, who I am. I want to continue to be me, the person God has made me to be, while mothering and loving my children with my whole self. Is it possible? We’ll see. First I must define who I am and what I want to do with this one life I’ve been given.